How to Help an Alcoholic Partner

Knowing how to help an alcoholic husband (or how to help an alcoholic wife) may be more difficult than it at first seems. When in a relationship, support needs to be equitable. This means that both parties are having their needs met and feel appropriately supported. However, in many instances during a long-term relationship, circumstances may tip this support more to one side than another. This could happen for many reasons – perhaps due to work-related stress, bereavement, or a period of serious illness. It is unlikely that a relationship will continue over the span of years without some form of difficult occurrence. For some people, this occurrence can be alcohol addiction. Whilst most people may know how to approach conversations around redundancy or even death, it can often be uncomfortable to begin the addiction conversation. So, what is the best way to approach our partners when concerned about their drinking? What positive changes can we make in order to help them through this tough time without becoming unmoored ourselves?

Is my partner an alcoholic?

As partners, we often live with – or at least very closely to – our spouses. This means that we have a unique opportunity to see and understand the people we have romantic relationships with. Whilst this kind of intimacy can be very rewarding and fulfilling, it can also carry some challenges. As our partner’s nearest and dearest, it can often feel like our responsibility to assess and ensure their wellbeing. Most of the time, this is a reasonable natural response. However, there are times when we find ourselves worrying excessively when we feel that something is ‘wrong.’ One of these occasions is when we have a concern that our partner has an addiction. But how do you know if this is true? There is a line between drinking too much and being addicted to alcohol. But where should it be drawn?

Addiction is considered to be a condition or a disorder; this means that it is associated with a list of symptoms that we, as spouses, can look out for.

‘Classic’ symptoms of alcohol addiction include:

• Drinking more (high volumes and quantities more frequently)
• Drinking progressively earlier in the day
• Appearing agitated or stressed before drinking
• Appearing relieved during or after drinking
• Frequent periods of sickness (i.e. hangovers)
• Making (failed) attempts to reduce drinking
• Appearing distant
• Difficulty focusing
• Memory issues
• Less interest in socialising
• Conflict at work
• Sore or red eyes

As a partner, however, there may be additional signs that you can identify in your spouse. These include:

• Changes in sex life
• Difficulty sleeping
• Keeping irregular hours
• Unexplained absences from the house
• Aggression or agitation
• Being violent
• Shouting or being verbally abusive
• Financial difficulties
• Legal problems
• Reduced attention to maintaining the household
• Reduced attention to childcare
• Reduced quality time together
• Feeling distant from one another
• Increased arguments or bickering

On the surface, we know that alcoholism is a problem someone has developed – and that means that on some level, we cannot blame them for their actions. But as a partner worrying about your other half’s behaviour, it is natural to feel concerned, anxious, angry or even embarrassed about the way their alcohol addiction is colouring your lives.

How to help an alcoholic spouse

In order to support your partner, there are several steps you can take to improve the way you communicate about addiction.

Approach the topic sensitively

Firstly, you need to pitch your tone appropriately. If you enter a conversation about drinking from a place of aggression or anger, your partner may match this energy, and the interaction can quickly spiral into an argument. What we are aiming for is not a fight but an intervention. To manage this, the best thing to do is not to begin a conversation in the heat of a moment but to plan your approach for an appropriate time. This could involve:

• Sticking to facts rather than opinions
• Trying not to pass judgements
• Avoiding assumptions
• Try not to let your emotions get the better of you

Offer emotional support

If your conversation is ‘problem-focused’, this can lead to detachment or ostracisation. Your loved one may feel that the conversation is designed to lay blame on them rather than to help them resolve the issue. To mitigate this, explicitly offer yourself as a source of emotional support. This can make your partner feel that you are working together, not against one another.

Try to learn about addiction

It isn’t easy to discuss something that we do not fully understand. Whilst it may be hard to empathise with an alcoholic truly loved one when we have no experience with addiction ourselves, we can make an effort to bridge the gap of understanding. By learning more about the causes, signs, psychology, and treatments of addiction, you can offer appropriate advice and support. This can also help you to signpost your loved ones to relevant resources and potential rehab treatment where necessary. It may also assist you in helping your partner learn to understand the situation a little better, allowing them to unravel some of the difficulties related to addiction denial and perspectives on alcohol as a help, not a hindrance.

Implement positive changes at home

When you live with someone with an alcohol problem, you are well-positioned to assist them in making positive changes at home. These changes could include:

• Deciding to reduce the amount of alcohol in the house at any one time
• Using a set time of day as a time for an emotional check-in for you both
• Establishing shared lifestyle habits to boost collective wellbeing

Set clear boundaries

When you are focusing on how to help an alcoholic partner, you may find that your needs become increasingly forgotten. When we love someone, we want to give them all of our support. But we do need to remember to preserve some energy, compassion and care for ourselves. One of the ways we can do this is by setting boundaries.

Addiction-related boundaries could look like this:

• not visiting alcohol-centric places together (such as bars, pubs, clubs, etc)
• not lying, hiding or otherwise obscuring your partner’s alcohol-related behaviours
• not accepting harmful actions or behaviours
• not allowing guests to drink alcohol in the house
• not helping to facilitate alcohol use by buying or otherwise funding drinking
• being honest about your feelings and safety and clearly stating when any lines of appropriateness or risk have been crossed
• contacting relevant services if needed

Get help

You will more than likely find that at some stage in this journey, you would benefit from personalised advice from professionals yourself. At Primrose Lodge, we know that addiction is a very heavy weight to bear alone. This is why we strive to offer the best specialist, confidential support in the sector.  We provide individuals struggling with dependency the opportunity to engage with innovative treatment. Our rehab programmes are fully flexible and unique to you. From addiction counselling to monitored detox, all our interventions are facilitated by clinical professionals. Take the first steps towards lightening the load of addiction by contacting our team for a confidential consultation.