How to Help an Alcohol Son or Daughter

Discovering your child’s alcohol problem can be one of the most heartbreaking experiences a parent can suffer. Recognising that the dearest person to you in the world has entered into a dangerous relationship with alcohol can leave you feeling utterly distraught.

Children can easily make irrational decisions and the best response often needs the right mix of assertion and empathy. This help guide aims to help us understand what causes a child to drink alcohol and signs for parents to watch out for so they can help an alcoholic son or daughter.

Why might a child develop an alcohol addiction?

Alcohol consumption in children is always distressing to witness. As adults, we’ve come to understand the consequences and responsibilities involved with drinking. It grieves us to see children consume something that damages them, as they likely haven’t yet learned what to expect when the choice is made to drink recreationally or otherwise.

Yet data shows us distressing numbers of youth alcohol problems. According to a 2023 US National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), over 3 quarters of a million youths aged 12 to 17 suffered from AUD in the previous year. In England, 2021 data shows 40% of pupils ages 11 to 15 reported ever having an alcoholic drink.

Some academics in the scientific community mention a lack of research on antecedent predictors of early alcohol use. Contributing factors are complex, multifaceted and generally caused by both nature and nurture or “psycho-social” factors. Both alcohol-specific parenting and non-alcohol-specific parenting influence the likelihood of alcohol abuse in a child.

Alcohol-specific parenting includes the modelling of parental drinking behaviour, conversations on what a child should expect from alcohol and other foundational aspects of the parent-child relationship.

Non-alcohol-specific parenting also influences the choices a child makes around alcohol. Studies indicate that “inadequate parenting” and promoting aggressive, anti-social behaviour greatly increase childhood alcohol likelihood.

With such a myriad collection of contributing factors, it can be difficult to make early, critical recognitions of a drinking problem to help an alcoholic daughter or son.

How can I tell if my son or daughter has an alcohol addiction?

Many of the signs and symptoms of your child having an alcohol problem are similar to an addiction in an adult. These can include, but are not limited to:

• Expressing a desire to cut down consumption
• Bloodshot eyes and the smell of alcohol on their breath
• Withdrawal from healthy activities they usually enjoy
• Hangovers during (or avoidance of) family get-togethers
• Drinking for longer periods than they expected

These signs are apparent in alcoholics who are over the drinking age (18 in the UK), so let’s break down signs that are more specific to a child:

Problems at school or college

Our children spend the majority of their waking hours in educational systems, and a decline in their relationships with their teachers and their work assignments might indicate problems with alcohol.

In the eyes of a teenager, going to school to do schoolwork can arguably feel like a 9 to 5. As a parent, dismissing your child’s exhaustion from school work can become all-too-easy, with a line like “Well, you couldn’t know real stress until you enter the work world!”

A sense of alienation and stress at work often has a direct relationship with alcohol use, so if your child (rightly or wrongly) experiences school like a stressful job, it could eventually lead to them turning to alcohol as a form of escape.

Their grades and relationships with teachers then inevitably suffer, and they might start to avoid academic responsibilities.

Rapid changes in relationship norms with your child

The teenage years are naturally seen as a tumultuous time in the parent-child relationship. The rebellious adolescent spirit often seeks to see, touch and sometimes dissolve the lines between what’s acceptable and what’s not.

Nobody understands your child better than you, as day in and day out you support their development into an adult who understands right from wrong. There may, however, be rapid behavioural changes that could indicate troublesome relationships between your child and alcohol.

These signs can appear as being more secretive or defensive about matters they see as “personal” or private to them. Increased irritability outside of teenage norms is another indicator. Your child might also express sudden dislikes toward activities they enjoy.

While these might not all be indicators of a relationship with alcohol, seeking ways to help your child open up and discuss alcohol can be beneficial.

It’s critical that in the late teenage years, your conversations with them are mature, considerate and open-minded.

Replicated behaviours of family members with an alcohol problem

As a result of the interaction between genetics and environment, it is generally accepted that a person cannot be born with an alcohol use disorder. That being said, approximately half of the risks in developing alcohol use disorder (AUD) are due to genetics. This is why we often see 2 or more people in a family with AUD.

Children naturally replicate their parents’ mannerisms and decision-making patterns, which could be true of grandparents, too. You might recognise some negative mannerisms in your child that are reminiscent of a family member with an alcohol issue. This could appear as a dismissive attitude toward physical health concerns or something as small as questionable jokes about alcohol.

These signs might be hard to recognise by anyone other than yourself, as you might be the only person who remembers the mannerisms of a bygone relative. Your child showing replicated behaviours that have almost been forgotten by almost everybody else could be something only you can watch out for.

How should I approach my child if I sense an alcohol addiction?

If you sense or see an alcohol addiction in your child, it can cause profound distress and confusion. One immediate response you might default to is feeling like you need to blame yourself. It’s important not to apply too much self-blame, as it can make a parent feel like the problem is insurmountable and so resign from helping. This is the last thing your child needs.

It’s not easy to have the conversation, but if you see signs of alcohol addiction in your child, here are some useful things to keep in mind and try out:

• Listen to the way they describe their thoughts and relationship with alcohol without interrupting. Teenagers are often crying out to simply feel heard. Try following these expressions up by asking directly and specifically, “How can I help?”
• Use expressions that are direct and empathetic, like “I” statements. This could be along the lines of “I understand you’re going through a rough time, but I am really concerned about you…”
• Express how you know you might not have all the answers for them. Teenagers especially enter phases where all advice from their parents can seem like it comes from a place of spite, not of care. Don’t be dispirited and let them know you’re there to stand alongside medical professionals to support them.

I need support with removing alcohol from my child’s life

If you recognise any signs mentioned today in the behaviour of your son or daughter, we want you to reach out to us. Children can still suffer from embarrassment or denial of the truth when describing their own behaviour, so you must reach out to them in the right way.

Here at Primrose Lodge, we’ve assisted parents with helping many young people remove alcohol from their lives. Admittance into detox is dependent on age. Even if we can’t admit your child into a medical detox program due to their age, we have help and resources available to help you guide them into a healthier lifestyle.

Reach out to us today for support on the road to recovery, free from the damaging effects of alcohol.