How Children can Help an Alcoholic Parent

Everyone wants their children to go through a loving childhood that feels safe and secure. Alcohol is part of most people’s lives in the UK, but drinking to a dangerous level around your child can have both immediate and delayed consequences for their progression into adulthood.

The Institute of Alcohol Studies estimates that as many as one in five children in the UK live with a hazardous drinker, who is often a parent. Today’s blog aims to illustrate the way children experience growing up with an alcoholic parent and what they can do to help them.

How many children grow up with an alcoholic parent?

Being an alcoholic is broadly defined as having strong, uncontrollable desires to drink. Everyone has a different relationship with alcohol and the actual term “alcoholic” generally isn’t used as a classifier in medical studies. It is more of a colloquial term to describe someone who has an alcohol use disorder (AUD).

Over the years, parents have most likely developed physical tolerance toward alcohol, as well as knowledge of the consequences of drinking. In the eyes of a child, however, alcohol’s role in family life can be dark and mystifying. They could simply see it as a liquid that makes their parents act differently after they drink it, and this disruption of child-parent norms can be unsettling for them.

Parental alcoholism can be devastating for children to grow up around. The National Association for Children of Addiction (NACoA) estimates that 3 million children in the UK live with parental alcohol problems. Their research indicates that these children are unfortunately likely to be:

• Three times as likely to consider suicide
• Twice as likely to experience school difficulties
• Twice as likely to develop alcohol addictions themselves
• Six times as likely to witness violence at home

What are the consequences of having an alcoholic parent?

Children are not old enough to take complete and utter responsibility for their actions or for the actions their parents take. Growing up with an alcoholic parent sadly means there are physical and psychological consequences that they will likely suffer, such as:

Physical consequences

• Research shows that children of alcoholics (COAs) suffer from higher rates of hospital admissions (birth to 23 years). They’re also more susceptible to certain types of illnesses compared to other children.
• Further research shows that children of alcoholics suffer from increased mortality, attempted suicides and drug addictions.

Psychological consequences

• One statistic shows that having an alcoholic parent creates a 2 to 10-fold increase in the likelihood of the child developing drinking problems themselves, compared to children without a parental alcohol problem.
• Growing up with parental alcohol problems also strongly increases the risk of experiencing a dysfunctional family environment. This happens throughout childhood and can tragically start to pull at the threads that hold families together.
• COAs have higher rates of anxiety, depression and low self-esteem compared with children of nonalcoholics.

How to spot if mum or dad is suffering from alcoholism

If you’re a child wondering if your parents have an alcohol problem, we’d like to get through to you now. To understand whether your parents’ drinking is a problem for the family, it’s important to know the difference between moderate levels of drinking and problematic drinking.

Remember that every person has their own tolerance and relationship with alcohol, but you can look for some of these signs when trying to differentiate between moderate and problematic drinking:

Moderate drinking

Your mum or dad  might decide to enjoy a few drinks for a special occasion, like a birthday or family gathering. They generally enjoy their drinks, and the drinks seem to fit the time and the place. They know when to stop and the way they talk and act at the end of the night isn’t too strange, compared to what you think of as their normal selves.

Otherwise, they might use drinks as a way to relax after a long day. Ask them about their day. Was it full of strenuous work and stressful interactions with their work colleagues? They might have a moderate amount of wine or beer and still be able to interact with you in ways that you like. They won’t hide away from any of the day’s responsibilities, including the things they do for you.

Problematic drinking

Now this could depend on many things, but if you see your mum or dad frequently intoxicated, for example, more than twice a week, their drinking might be a family problem. If you notice that the day after they drink, they spend most of the day recovering, complaining about how they feel, or “getting back to normal,” this could be a problem if it is recurring.

Have you seen them neglecting their responsibilities? This could be really hurtful to you and to others, too. Maybe you made earlier plans with them that are important to you, or you’ve talked to them about medical things they’d like to improve. For some reason, their alcohol seems to take precedence over time with you and efforts to become healthier. They are often too drunk to stick to the day’s plan. This is problematic.

Should I be blamed for my alcoholic parents problem?

The answer is no; you are not to blame for the choices your parents make. One of the hardest parts of being around someone who has an addiction is that it feels as though they just won’t listen to you.

Addiction grabs people physically and mentally and often forces them to do things they wish they wouldn’t. Alcoholism is a disorder that psychiatrists and psychologists have worked for decades to understand. The professionals know that the blame can’t be placed on a child for the things their parents do.

How can I start talking to my alcoholic parent about their alcohol addiction?

Leading on from the fact that your parent’s addiction is not your fault, it might be time to start thinking about if and when there are opportunities for your words of care to get through to them.

If they’re deep in alcohol addiction, they’ve probably spent years thinking about how they’d like to escape it and work on their relationship with you. They’ve likely tried their best to shield you from their alcoholism and support you with love and care without the need for any alcohol.

If that’s the case, the bridge is halfway built, so you could meet them in the middle (or closer) by being brave and offering your own support.

If you’re going to try and reach out, here are some things to consider:

• Choose the right time and place: Get the setting right, somewhere you can feel your words will get through to them better. Quiet places are best, and it’s usually the case that alcoholics prefer talking about their drinking problem when they’re not drinking or under alcohol’s effects.
• Be as calm and patient as you can: It could be the case that you’ve tried getting through to them for a long time, we understand that. Tap into your calmest, most patient self, as those caught in addictions need a lot of time and care.
• Give them precise examples that relate to you: If you’re hurting, be as clear as you can about why. People with alcohol problems often neglect their responsibilities, and they drift away from caring about the things they really should care about. Think about specific times when you’ve been hurt because of their drinking.
• Do professional research: Healthcare professionals can be contacted to help. You might start looking online yourself for some real research on parental alcoholism. Your mum or dad will likely be very touched and proud of your genuine, heartfelt effort.
• Take care of yourself: We have to say that overdoing your efforts could cause you to burn out, blame yourself, or even give up. Remember, you can’t keep filling up someone else’s cup without actually emptying your own. Be kind to yourself as you endeavour to help them.

I need help getting alcohol out of a loved one’s life

If you’ve recognised any of the problems raised today in a parent or a loved one, reaching out to us could be the next step you need to take.

Here at UKAT, we have comprehensive and personalised detox programmes that help people escape the clutches of alcoholism. We support them and the people around them every step of the way. Our care supplies the physical and mental support needed to remove alcohol from their life.

Get in touch with us to take a step toward a brighter, healthier future free from alcohol.